What the heck is this and why was it in my bookmarks?

This laptop will be found at the bottom of Springbrook Falls, Queensland, possibly along with my body.

It was a nice run, but it's Friday now.

I drove out.

I decided to go to a beautiful place to end it. It's nice, I hear crickets and animals. Lovely rainforest.

The knife's nice and sharp.

Gonna do it in a few minutes now.

Bye bye.

PS: Yep, He's around here somewhere, I feel it. Not worried though. I'm never going to have to worry again.

I'm never going to have to worry again.

So...

I promised you a summary, and now I'm going to fulfil it.

Time is fleeting to me right now. A week means no more than a month, which means no more than an hour.  I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I don't want to close my eyes. I checked the mirror a few hours ago, they're so red...

So what happened to me? Why was my blog just...gone, for a week?

It's a long story.

Stop right now. Get a drink. Get some food.

My earliest memory so far is of starting this blog. I can literally not remember my life before it, only what I've been told, or what I was told. I remember talking about my life, but what life? Who were these people I was talking about, these teachers? Who was this person I found in my wallet? Some time, some time ago, I could remember it, but it's all slipped away. Everything's become so fleeting...

I remember Him. You can't forget Him, He leaves a mark on you, in your memory. He's...he's just part of that little bit of your mind, the worst things you can think of. Every shadow of a doubt, every bad thought, everything that lives beyond the shadows of the night, it's Him. For a few fleeting seconds, you're looking at the sound, and it's Him, until your mind tells you it's not, and it's not. But He has that power, that power for those few little seconds where the worst things imaginable live beyond those shadows, and it's us, the people who want so bad for him to get through, that let him through.

...but I had a point to this.

Twenty five days ago, I was sitting on a chair, in front of a monitor so similar to the one I have now, and I just realised that He knew everything about me. That hijacker in yellow, or red now, he was me. He is me, he is still me, I haven't found a magical solvent to that. I heard her getting up, my friend of age, and I saw what he planned to do.

What happened next was a blur, a literal blur across a metaphorical canvas in my mind, but I remember waking up as the hours passed. My hands were duct tapped behind my back, and she was screaming at me. That situation was quickly diffused as I explained how I was alright now. Now, she knew the darkest part of me. She knew, only a few seconds after me myself found out, that I was a danger to her, to you, to everyone. To me.

We talked, she got me breakfast, but we could only chat for so long. She still had bills to pay, but I promised to find out everything before she came home. We could chat.

So I trekked across the internet, it was so helpful. I had quite the lovely chat with a nice female Agent of Him that ended with me wishing her death. She did her job, I suppose. But she told me things I double and triple checked, and...some of it made sense, I guess. Like I said, this is just a giving up post, so I'm not telling you exactly what helped and what didn't. I don't care. I'm not being a help to you people in your worthless fight.

But she came home, and we chatted some more. Just mainly about...well, how I was going to get some concrete confirmation, some basis in reality, about what in gods name was going on with me.

I had one suggestion, which would require her driving me interstate, but she was surprisingly okay with that. She's okay with a lot of things, really. I'll miss her the most about my whole ordeal. Truly.

I gave her the address of my family doctor, and we drove. We drove for hours, I'm not gonna say how long, since I'm pretty sure I have where I live buried in these posts somewhere, and with that you can figure out where my friend lives. I don't want that at all now.

So I went back home.

I had a nice black hoodie on, I really fit in with the locals. Course, it was 10pm, everyone out was dressed like that. Didn't want to associate with those people.

Now, when I say we went back home, I mean to the general area. I don't know where my family are. I've lost them. I thought Alex would be a good enough son now that I was gone. Ha. Naivety.

I went to visit the doctor who delivered me, who was still working, 18 years later, at the same hospital. At least that's what the notes in my wallet said. My medicare card. Some scraps of paper I took down one day. I was incredibly lucky, she was working the late shift. I was incredibly unlucky, she happened to be a close family friend who, along with most of the community here, was off-the-walls bonkers over the fact that I disappeared into a fire one day and never came back. Apparently my first ex spread a rumour about me starting a fire, and sure enough that's what everyone believed. Like wildfire. [insert random literary device here].

So I basically had to hide in her office until she was about to leave, which worked. Of course, I basically had to hold her hostage in there until she gave me answers.

So we chatted. It was a nice time, we chatted about what I was up to, why my mouth and hands looked like they'd seen better days, all that stuff. Of course, I directed the conversation towards something I wanted needed to talk about. Medical conditions, psychological disorders, anything. She didn't want to share it with me without my parents present, seeing as how I was still a minor. Frankly, I think she was just making up excuses, but part of me believes she was honestly just trying to hold up the oaths she swore when she took that first medical book into her life.

She shared. She showed me the e-file, or the electronic file, or however it's said these days.

Oh, you know what's fun?

Finding out you were this close to having a twin brother when you were in the womb. What's not as fun is finding out that you did have a twin brother, only...only he's part of me.

Chimeraism. During the earliest months of my mother's pregnancy, my brother's foetus was fused into me, kind of like combining a cocktail. It's fascinating. Completely and utterly fascinating stuff. It's a miracle of medicine, is what it is, and I could go on and on about the stuff I learnt from wikipedia about it, but what was important was that I have a person inside of me.

This explained everything, almost literally explained everything. The meaning of life, the meaning of existance, how come I'm bisexual when most people are completely straight and completely gay, how come my blog has been so stealthily hijacked, because the person inside of me is literally inside of me.

There are so many questions I wanted to ask, but she took my subsequent shock as a queue to call security.

I returned that bitch's favour by stealing her car keys and getting the hell out of there.

Now...oh jeez, I really don't wanna detail the plans of my escape here. It was something. I'll just leave it at that, and continue with my story knowing you are all silently fuming at me for not including it.

*calculates fucks given*


Well, look at that, 0.


So I ditched the car not far from the doctor's office, and me and her drove back into my new state in a perpetually awkward silence. No speaking, nothing.

I told her everything once we got back to her place, and I think this was where she'd figured it all out. She asked to see a picture of my brother Alex.

Right there, I didn't have any. She asked to see his Facebook page. I couldn't, he didn't have any. She asked for the name of any of his friends. I couldn't name any. She asked for the colour of his hair, how tall he was, what was the colour of his eyes. I couldn't remember.

I couldn't remember any of this because I had only just then realised that my brother didn't exist.

Every word I said about him in my entire life was a lie. He never played the Wii, my Wii was stored away in my room. He's not smart, he's not intelligent, he's not arrogant, that's...that was just a person I made up, in my head. Everything you knew about him wasn't true. It was me.

And...I think that was just about where I remembered a little of my past life. A conversation between my parents I once overheard when I was little, about how if they ever had another child, they'd call him Alex. Alex, the name of my non-existant brother. Alexander Powell, the name of the brother who died long ago before he could even think, or grow hair or fingernails.

Alex. The name of the hijacker inside my head.

And I freaked the fuck out.


I had never destroyed more furniture with my bare, incomplete hands in those following minutes than I had in my entire life, but I thank god, or Buddha, or whatever wants to be up there, that I descended from that into a weeping ball of crying and hysterics. My entire life, everything I'd ever known, was a lie.

Everything I've ever said is from a person who thought his life was normal, and dared to post it on the internet.

I kept on freaking, right through the week. I deleted every appearance I could of me on the internet, I deleted this blog, I deleted my Facebook, I deleted my photobucket and every single appearance of me on the internet I could get my stumps of fingers on. I kept on freaking well through the rest of my days, before I could finally calm down, get down to planet earth a bit.

And then, I decided that I would get it all off my chest in a way that didn't involve destruction, and I undeleted this thing. Apparently, you can do that.

So....there you go.

There's your summary.

It was incoming, and now it's here.

What now?

Before the end of this month, before he can speak again, I am taking a knife to my wrist and ending my life.

Alex (that is it's name now) will go with me.

I'll die, knowing that I'm doing something substantially summarising of my life. Something worthless and inconsequential.

If anyone has a better way of going, tell me.

I'm all ears, since I'm at the end of a burning rope.

Summary is incoming.

Morningstar

I require a short conversation with you.

You thought you were rid of me? Think again, Ben. I don't have any plan of leaving you any time soon. Because I don't think you really get what I am capable of Ben.


You don't know what I look like, I'm not one of those little hallowed people. I have much more power than that.


Cause...now I'm going to close my eyes for five seconds. And recolour your rightful font.


no

no no no no nonononononononononono this can't be right no no way you can't be no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

oh god no please you aren't I'm dreaming

Oh, you closed your eyes? Well done. You've finally figured it out.


You can't  get rid of me...cause I'm you.


Surprise!


No no no no no, this is wrong, this is...this is derbygirl playing some sick joke on me, I would KNOW IF YOU WERE ME.

fuck off, derby, you aren't scaring me

Scaring? I've done much more than that. I've been inside your head, watched your every move, crafted your every action.


Oh, and what else? HE knows too. He That Is.


Well, it looks like derbygirl finally woke up.


I'm gonna go greet her.


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